Self-Esteem

潘多拉de魔盒

If you are not happy or satisfied with your life for reasons you can't pinpoint specifically, it's probably because of low self-esteem. Low self esteem can make you blame yourself for things that aren't your fault; underestimate your abilities, and make you a pessimist.

What is Self-Esteem?
, T6 u% v% \. h) M7 R0 cVery simply put - how much you like yourself.
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Self-esteem is often confused with self-confidence. Self-confidence is the knowledge that you can succeed at something – relationship, career, goal etc. Self-esteem, on the other hand, is the capacity to like and love your self; and feel worthwhile, irrespective of all the ups and downs of life. It is your values, beliefs and personal philosophy by which you define your personal worth.
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) f3 L) L' t7 q3 ]Someone with a healthy self-esteem simply likes himself or herself. A healthy self-esteem is not contingent on success because there are always failures to contend with. Neither is it a result of comparing ourselves with others because there is always someone better. With a healthy self-esteem, we like ourselves because of who we are and not because of what we can or cannot do.
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Self-Esteem and Behavior
0 L( h& W* [# t( c, D0 WLow self-esteem fosters many unhealthy behaviors. Even though we might become aware of these behavioral problems, it's often a Herculean task to change them unless the root of the problem (the warped self-esteem) is not dealt with first.
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An example: Perfectionists try to hold themselves to a higher standard than others because they fear criticism and seek approval due to which they often procrastinate, fear away from taking risks or are late in completing tasks.
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8 j6 b* |9 b! k  p0 MSince their concept of self-esteem is based on equating it with approvals (i.e. they feel good about themselves only when people whom they like and respect 'approve' them), unless they work on correcting this warped idea, they'll have great difficulty in changing their behavioral problems.

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Self-esteem and Relationships
A healthy and happy relationship contributes to our self-esteem. How we look at our self also decides how we believe people judge us. This is why many with low self-esteem often have relationship problems - if we don't like or love ourselves, it's easier to believe that others will not too. This contributes to poor communication skills which naturally affect any relationship. Such kind of communication includes difficulty in expressing emotions and feelings, making assumptions, becoming defensive and / or aggressive etc.
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+ c- U# j& Z! L0 n6 L# uFor example, an unhealthy self-esteem might make some people believe that their partner is much better than them and they're lucky to be with him / her. This might occasionally result in feelings of insecurity, jealousy and and actions like making unrealistic demands from the other person. Low self-esteem can manifest as you looking for signs that your partner has lost interest in you or prefers someone else or is only seeing you because they pity you. Or it can make us defensive and feel like we are being criticized when we are not.
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3 [  D& Y, O8 h  B/ v  g8 ^Self-esteem and Emotions
+ @% m: t9 J. B. N3 WAll emotions are actually healthy – even those so called negative ones like anger, sadness, frustration etc. It's natural (and healthy) to feel upset when you fail, or outraged at an injustice. "If you are facing, or think you are facing, a negative event, it is not healthy for you to feel good about the occurrence of this event, nor is it healthy for you to feel indifferent about it. Rather, it is healthy for you to feel bad about it. Feeling bad about a negative event helps you to think clearly about the event, to change it if it can be changed and to make a constructive adjustment to it if it can't be changed", says Dr. Windy Dryden professor of psychotherapeutics at Goldsmiths College, University of London.

( o' h% V3 {( B5 {, FBut a warped sense of self-image can cause these emotions to become destructive – sadness can become depression, healthy anger can become unhealthy, destructive anger. The more unhealthy our negative emotions become, the more it interferes with our ability to think clearly about it, we are less likely to change it in constructive ways if it can be changed, and if it can't be changed our adjustment is likely to be a poor one.
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6 p# }1 i; c/ ]' H/ G- FBuilding Self-Esteem
4 G7 p: s+ U5 D/ dMaintain a "gratitude diary" to correct your self-perceptions - Make a list of the things that you already have that were once goals - all the things in your day you can do, the activities and people of your life you are most grateful for, the resources you already have available to you. Add to this list ever day - write down at least one thing you are glad about every day. Forgive yourself for your mistakes and focus more on your strengths than your weakness. Don't put yourself down and don't beat yourself for any lack of skill or any weakness.

Note: Since ups and downs are a natural part of our life, we can have a healthy self-esteem and still have self doubts occassionally.